Why is it so hard to forgive?
Because it doesn’t seem fair.
When someone has done you wrong, it’s normal to get angry and upset. Holding onto these emotions seems to be the only thing that will make sure they get punished. Letting go will let them off the hook.
So, you sit with the emotions, feed them, and circle around them like a vulture. Although it feels bad and destructive, letting it go feels like defeat. It seems impossible to stop thinking about the injustice of it all. The thoughts can haunt you at night, taunt you with ideas of revenge, and disturb your peace of mind.
Now I’m not an expert on forgiveness, but I do know quite a bit about unforgiveness. I know that it’s heavy and exhausting. It can keep me awake at night, play like a broken record, and infect my other relationships.
Is there a way that forgiveness could feel right? Is there a thought that can replace the ones that are stealing your peace?
Describe the Habit of Forgiveness
A habit of forgiveness is regularly letting things go because it’s an easier way to live.
Regularly
Letting go
Forgiveness does not mean that you ignore what happened. That’s simply denial. Unless something changes, the same thing will happen again.
Forgiveness involves clearing up what you are thinking and believing about what they said or did. Have you asked them for an explanation? This can feel awkward, yes, I know. The answers, however, will be worth it. Did you tell them how you feel? This feels vulnerable but it’s the only way to give them understanding.
To forgive another person is not letting them off the hook. It’s letting you off the hook. Like a fish escaping a hook’s barb, you will no longer be attached to the line that holds you to the offense.
Forgiveness is a gift to yourself. It’s releasing the negative emotions that stir within you. Those emotions are hurting only yourself. The habit of forgiveness is an act of self-care.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you’ll forget. Time and managing your thoughts may cause the memory to fade, but that won’t always happen.
Why is forgiveness a good Habit?
· When you forgive as a habit, you won’t spend time living with the pain. Imagine a blob of playdough. It’s fun to mold and make into different shapes. When you’re playing with playdough, however, you can’t do anything else with your hands. Now imagine unforgiveness as playdough. When you’re ruminating over it, you can’t do anything else with your mind.
· You get wiser each time you forgive. Have you heard the saying, “When someone tells you who they are, believe them”? It’s true! If the two of you come to an understanding, your relationship will be deeper and better. If the offender doesn’t believe they did anything wrong, you’ll be more careful with them, so you don’t get hurt again. In any case, you will be wiser.
· The habit of forgiveness allows you to forgive yourself for making mistakes.
· Forgiveness for you is a way to get rid of the destructive emotion about another person. Although it feels like holding onto the grudge is the sure-fire way to make sure they pay for their transgressions, unforgiveness is like holding a firecracker which will eventually burn you.
· Unforgiveness is heavy. It’s not worth it. The grudge is like carrying around 50 pounds of rocks on your back. Replacing the thoughts that cause unforgiveness will relieve you of this burden.
· Life is easier for you when you have a habit of forgiveness.
· Forgiveness feels right when you are doing it for yourself.
It’s possible to forgive. It’s not easy, but it’s possible.
How can you form the habit of forgiveness?
The word forgiveness may have a negative connotation to you. Some people feel religious judgment or trauma from this word. As a substitute, try the word(s) “release”, “let go”, or “move forward”. Here are steps to take to make this a habit.
1. Ask questions of the offender to get clarity about what happened.
2. Ask the other person if you could let them know how you felt when “X” happened. Share if they are agreeable.
3. Acknowledge and honor your version of the events. This is your truth and you do not need to apologize for it.
4. Replace the thoughts that are causing you to be stuck with unforgiveness. For example, instead of “he is so rude and condescending”, consider what fears may have caused him to act that way.
5. Identify how you feel about what happened and allow those feelings to come out.
6. Don’t allow negative emotions to get stuck inside of you. Process them so that you can move forward.
7. Realize you need forgiveness too.
8. Believe that forgiveness is possible.
9. Realize that not everyone will see things the same way.
10. Acknowledge that this is not easy, but in the long run, it will be the best and easiest way to live.